The Dangers of Self Pity Monsters

What is a Self Pity Monster?

There is no doubt about it, you will have come across one or more of them. Today's culture is set up to pander to them.

A Self Pity Monster will see that you are in a good mood and feeling happy and cheerful and they will work out a way to make you miserable and feeling sorry for them, or trying to prove yourself to them.

An example being: Imagine you just had some fantastic news, you got engaged or found out you got a new job or something else that makes you feel on top of the world. The Self Pity Monster (also known as a Psychic Vampire) will see you and how happy you are, and because they are in victim mode and feeling horrible, they can't stand to see you happy, so they will do one of two things - They will either:

1. Start complaining about a problem they have, either with their health, their job, their relationship, or some other problem. Anything at all. Instead of feeling so happy for you their friend they need to take that energy from you, drain you of it, and feed themselves. Instead of waiting for another time to talk about something with you that is troubling them, they will hit you with it and complain when your energy is most high.

2. Attack you in some way to make you feel guilty for being so happy, either by accusing you of being a bad person for laughing and joking and being happy, or think up a reason why you are not allowed to be happy. Maybe it is he anniversary of their Aunties death or something? It doesn't matter what, they will think up some way to make you feel bad and miserable.

It's all Me Me Me!

A Self Pity Monster spends all their time feeling sorry for themselves. They will ring you up and talk at you for hours and hours about all their problems, and not stop for a moment to even ask how you are, and if they do ask - when you try to reply, maybe saying you have a cold or something, they will cut you off and talk over you about how when they have a cold it is always so much worse than whenever anyone else has one. They will go into competition with you about illnesses and how hard done to they are. They talk like they are the only human in the world who has ever suffered. It is all me me me with these people.

Sulking Episodes

Don't think for a moment you can dare to not give the Self Pity Monster your full undivided attention at all times. If you are out at the pub with a group of friends with an SPM and you are talking to others and enjoying yourself, the SPM will walk out and start sulking. You won't know where they have gone, so one of you will go and look for them. When you find them they will say they don't feel well, or just keep saying nothing is wrong, but refusing to come back and join you. Then everyone feels guilty for carrying on and forgetting them, so everyone makes a fuss (their intention in the first place) and they will have ruined the night. If you think this is just a one off try going out with them again, and again, you will soon notice the same pattern happening time and time again.

Alcohol Abuse and Mental Disorders as Excuses

Another tactic of the SPM is to get blind drunk and start hurling abuse at others or causing fights, again more attention-seeking tactics and the next day they will be all sorry and say it wasn't them, it was the drink.

If they notice you getting wise to their tricks and manipulation they will change tactics for a while, they will say they have learnt the errors of their ways and they want to change and get help. Of course, the trips to Alcoholics Anonymous or a Therapist won't last long, as they will realise that the people there won't make them the centre of attention and put up with their self-pity. So it will soon all stop and they are back to square one.

Self-Pity Monster and Relationships

A SPM will jump from one relationship to the next very quickly, as they can't be on their own. They need someone else to drain energy from. It won't much matter how unsuitable the person is for them, they will jump into bed and into a relationship with them right away.

They will accuse their partner of things, make them feel guilty, and force them to prove themselves to them. They will expect them to put up with their mood swings and bad behaviour.

That person is then in for a very rocky ride until they realise what is going on and dump them. The SPM can be a very hard person to escape from. They will threaten to commit suicide if you leave them, they will threaten to hurt your family members, they will threaten to smash up your car, anything at all. They are very dangerous people to get involved with.

Traits of a SPM

* superficial charm

* self-centred & self-important

* need for stimulation & prone to boredom

* deceptive behaviour & lying

* conning & manipulative

* little remorse or guilt

* shallow emotional response

* callous with a lack of empathy

* living off others or predatory attitude

* poor self-control

* promiscuous sexual behaviour

* early behavioural problems

* lack of realistic long-term goals

* impulsive lifestyle

* irresponsible behaviour

* blaming others for their actions

* Short-term relationships

* varied criminal activity

What should you do if you are involved with a SPM?

If you recognise these symptoms in someone, do not approach them with this information. Just make your escape as quickly as possible. A SPM can not be talked around, they can not be reasoned with, they will attack you if you turn against them, aggressively. They will spread rumours about you and do anything they can to get pity from others and make you out to the bad person.

Drained used-up people who have been in the path of destruction of a SPM will be very run down and often will find all this very hard to deal with. But don't give up. It might seem like the lies the SPM is spreading about you will turn everyone against you, but any who are worthy of your friendship will stick by you, and those who don't really know you and listen to hearsay, well they aren't worth knowing anyway.

Covert Narcissists & The Narcissists No One Ever Talks About

How so many fall into a pit of narcissistic abuse.

Don't ever think that you could not be fooled by a narcissist, they are much more prevalent than you think. The covert narcissist is much harder to spot because, unlike other narcissists who openly admit they think they are better than everyone else, the covert narcissist, who is much more dangerous, will often come across publicly as a pillar of the community. They will be involved in charities, religions, and community projects. It would appear on the surface that these are good people, that they care, or even that they are altruistic.

The hard reality often is that these people are covert narcissists, who only partake in anything charitable at all because it helps them build up their fake public image. And they guard this fake public image that they work so hard on, ferociously. If you were to spot one of these covert narcissists and publicly unmask them, be prepared for wrath like you have never known. The covert narcissist will reveal their full fury to you and only to you, and they will set about ruining you, they do this so that you come across as the nasty person who wants to tarnish their squeaky clean holier than thou reputation. They will make sure you suffer.

So what should you do if you discover you are dealing with a covert narcissist?

If you can, remove yourself quietly, it might be tempting to try to expose them, but you are the one who will come off worse. They are experts at manipulation and they know how to get people to believe anything they say. They just have to show them the list of good deeds they have done and play the victim, they are good at playing the victim and they actually enjoy this kind of manipulation. Yes that is right, they will probably even tell people that is YOU who is a narcissist and they are just the poor victim.

Tactics to deal with the unmasked covert narcissist.

Whatever you do, don't lose your cool and have an outburst, they WILL push all your buttons, they will try to make you look like you are in the wrong and they are perfect and can do no wrong, they might even have you doubting yourself. But as soon as you lose your cool and have an outburst you have given them exactly what they want. They will use this outburst against you, to prove you are “angry” and “out of control”.

Get them out of your life as soon as possible. This is done by gradually cutting down contact, being less available to them, by being too busy with other things until eventually they will give in and look for a new supply.

Of course, this is much harder if you are in a relationship and living with a narcissist, but still possible to become so distant and unavailable to them, while still being nice to them when they are there and pretending nothing is wrong, until they eventually leave on their own accord.

Remember, the more upset and stressed they make you, the more supply they get, so always remain calm around them and don't give them what they need. This forces them to move on.

Not everyone who does good is a narcissist.

Not everyone who does good deeds is a covert narcissist, there are genuinely good people out there who have hearts of gold and don't care about their reputation, they just enjoy helping and the love they get back from those they help to them is better than any other kind of gain. We cannot afford to be suspicious of everyone who does good things.

Then there are the narcissists no one ever talks about.

When someone has been the victim of a narcissist, it can take many years to heal and get over it, some never get over it and unfortunately this can create a new narcissist. The victim of a narcissist can become one themselves. Because their self-esteem has been battered down repeatedly during a long relationship with a narcissist, they are emotionally and physically drained, and they need to spend many years building themselves back up and this is often done by draining others. They may suffer from depression and anxiety, they need constant reassurance that they are good enough and so it becomes that the narcissist has now created another narcissist.

One of the worst things about these victims of a narcissist is their constant need to protect themselves from other people, people who they think could be narcissists. Not only have they taken on the traits of the narcissist who abused them, but they then try to accuse everyone else of being a narcissist and are eternally suspicious of everyone they encounter.

What can we do?

If someone says they were in an abusive relationship and are trying to heal, we cannot mend them by telling them how great they are, how much we respect them, how beautiful they are, how good they are at something... No amount of saying these things will ever get through to them. They won't believe you and all it does is drain you.

All we can ever do is tell someone that if they want to heal they must become self-sufficient. So long as they need other people to reassure them, they will never heal.

As with all things, one must look within. It is something people will do anything to avoid, but is the only way.

“Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.”

Script by Tau Tia L Douglass

I survived a psychopath

This was a long time ago, I am now outside the country and feel I can at last post about this and I doing so in the hope that if this is happening to someone else, if you have read this, you won't be one of the ones who abandon someone.

I survived a psychopath, who isolated me and tried to kill me. I did that alone, because no one would or could help. Everyone thought he was such a great guy because he had the narcissistic superficial charm of a psychopath, and I have always been an introvert. When he tried to murder me and was taken away by the police, the police also thought he was a great guy and that it was me, the cheating slut of a girlfriend that was in the wrong, even though I had never cheated on him. My so called friends disappeared, and just left me to be murdered by that psycho, they were never my friends and if you abandon someone because they are in a violent relationship that they have no idea how to get out, then you are not a friend at all. If you don't know the signs to look for you might just think your friend no longer cares about you and so you shouldn't care about them either. If a friend says they are not allowed to call you or go out with you anymore. They are not saying that because they don't want to call you or see you anymore, it is because they are being threatened.

As much as I wanted to escape my relationship with a psychopath I couldn't, because he knew my family and where they lived and every time he knew I was upset with him, he would threaten to do something to my Mum or brother's car or property, or even them. Psychopaths also systematically groom all the people around you, turning them against you. I had no idea my ex had been talking to all my neighbours, telling them to spy on me because I can't be trusted and that I am a slut. And that he is such a good guy. Because I have always been an introvert and never really talked much to neighbours and keep myself to myself, they just believed him. Being an introvert is not a bad or evil thing, but when a psychopath finds an introvert, they are so much easier to isolate and ruin completely.

You might wonder how I ever got involved with him in the first place. Well when I first met him he also had all the superficial charm that he used on me. He made me feel so special, treated me so good and was so romantic and kind. He would write messages in lipstick on the mirror, leave me notes all round the place, make food in the shape of hearts, tell me how wonderful I am, buy me flowers. It wasn't until he knew I had fallen for him and his act, that the mask slipped and the true him came to the surface. He had already met all my family and they all thought he was such a great guy, because that is how he came across when you first met him.

When he showed his true colours he would say things like - all women are sluts - and would go on and on about the women from his past who cheated on him. I would try my best to prove to him that I am not like that and I am different, but nothing I ever did was good enough. Actually from that point on everything I ever did was wrong. I wasn't allowed to be in the bathroom alone for too long because he thought I might be secretly texting someone from there. I wasn't allowed to go for a drink after work with work friends. He had a tracking device fitted to my car. I didn't know about it at the time, but he always knew where I was. He would refuse to go to any family events or even just go to see them. He stopped me doing anything at all that didn't involve him. All the time I was trying to get things back to how they were in the beginning, I just wanted to make things wonderful again like they were at first, I didn't know at the time that that had all been an act.

After he tried to murder me it finally sunk in that the man I met and the man who was now in my life are two different people and the first one I met wasn't real. I wanted to escape the relationship and eventually did, on his terms not mine. He had used me up, there was nothing left of me at that point. I was broken and he knew it and so wanted a fresh target.

I did build myself back up, after a long time of treating myself like he did, thinking I was worthless and didn't deserve happiness. But he didn't completely ruin me and he didn't murder me, he might have done and all those so called friends would have just sat back and let it happen. We should all care about one another more and not give up on someone when we see someone trying to isolate them, as it is very dangerous for them when it happens.

I am lucky that I got out of it alive, my Mum was the only one who really knew what was going on and she didn't even know the half of it. I am lucky, every man I have ever dated has been a wonderful guy, there was only this one who was a psychopath. Often people don't know this happened to me, I don't talk about it much and it isn't like every man I have met since then I have thought would be like him. It just means I can spot them sooner and so avoid getting into something like that again.

If you care about someone, make sure they know that and that they come to you for help if they need it.

Tenacious Truth

It is risible when someone requests my input and opinion on Facebook, only to block me when I hand out the tenacious truth. They become agitated when their inveterate belief in mendacious new age tosh is questioned. I can just imagine the petulant stamping of the foot they give as they depart with great haste and block me.

I can envisage their powerless frustration of not being able to bully me and get their own way. Their only way of dealing with their building anger is to block me. As Facebook is full to bursting point with narcissists if the clash of opinions is taking place publicly and they feel attacked because they are wrong about something, their only way to deal with it is to run away. But not before they have resorted to personal insults and an attempt to belittle.

But do they ever learn from their mistake?

No, not often, their ego won't allow them to. The narcissist has a real problem with being wrong about something, or by even being confronted about something. They simply can not laugh at themselves and like to feel they are an authority on everything.

Instead of moving on from their pride being hurt, they then set about demonising the person who they feel cut off their narcissistic supply, and therefore should be punished. So if you ever disagree with a narcissist expect a hate campaign about you after the fact. However don't stop speaking the truth, especially to a narcissist who expose themselves for what they are during their narcissistic rages.

Narcissists always come across as charming and so popular, people flock to them in order to bask in their narcissistic glow. These followers will even make excuses for the narcissists terribly bad behaviour when someone disagrees with something they say.. Why? Because they are looking for someone to look up to, they need a Father or Mother figure to guide them and the narcissist knows this and plays on it. To be addicted to the grandiose charm of a narcissist is damaging to you and your self esteem.

You don't need them, but they need you - to drain you of the narcissistic supply they need to survive. Remove it from them and watch them crumble into the weak pathetic bullies they truly are.