How so many fall into a
pit of narcissistic abuse.
Don't ever think that
you could not be fooled by a narcissist, they are much more prevalent
than you think. The covert narcissist is much harder to spot because, unlike other narcissists who openly admit they think they are better
than everyone else, the covert narcissist, who is much more
dangerous, will often come across publicly as a pillar of the
community. They will be involved in charities, religions, and
community projects. It would appear on the surface that these are
good people, that they care, or even that they are altruistic.
The hard reality often
is that these people are covert narcissists, who only partake in
anything charitable at all because it helps them build up their fake
public image. And they guard this fake public image that they work so
hard on, ferociously. If you were to spot one of these covert
narcissists and publicly unmask them, be prepared for wrath like you
have never known. The covert narcissist will reveal their full fury
to you and only to you, and they will set about ruining you, they do
this so that you come across as the nasty person who wants to tarnish
their squeaky clean holier than thou reputation. They will make sure
you suffer.
So what should you do
if you discover you are dealing with a covert narcissist?
If you can, remove
yourself quietly, it might be tempting to try to expose them, but you
are the one who will come off worse. They are experts at manipulation
and they know how to get people to believe anything they say. They
just have to show them the list of good deeds they have done and play
the victim, they are good at playing the victim and they actually
enjoy this kind of manipulation. Yes that is right, they will
probably even tell people that is YOU who is a narcissist and they
are just the poor victim.
Tactics to deal with
the unmasked covert narcissist.
Whatever you do, don't
lose your cool and have an outburst, they WILL push all your buttons,
they will try to make you look like you are in the wrong and they are
perfect and can do no wrong, they might even have you doubting
yourself. But as soon as you lose your cool and have an outburst you
have given them exactly what they want. They will use this outburst
against you, to prove you are “angry” and “out of control”.
Get them out of your
life as soon as possible. This is done by gradually cutting down
contact, being less available to them, by being too busy with other
things until eventually they will give in and look for a new supply.
Of course, this is much
harder if you are in a relationship and living with a narcissist, but
still possible to become so distant and unavailable to them, while
still being nice to them when they are there and pretending nothing
is wrong, until they eventually leave on their own accord.
Remember, the more
upset and stressed they make you, the more supply they get, so always
remain calm around them and don't give them what they need. This
forces them to move on.
Not everyone who does
good is a narcissist.
Not everyone who does
good deeds is a covert narcissist, there are genuinely good people
out there who have hearts of gold and don't care about their
reputation, they just enjoy helping and the love they get back from
those they help to them is better than any other kind of gain. We
cannot afford to be suspicious of everyone who does good things.
Then there are the
narcissists no one ever talks about.
When someone has been
the victim of a narcissist, it can take many years to heal and get
over it, some never get over it and unfortunately this can create a
new narcissist. The victim of a narcissist can become one themselves.
Because their self-esteem has been battered down repeatedly during a
long relationship with a narcissist, they are emotionally and
physically drained, and they need to spend many years building
themselves back up and this is often done by draining others. They
may suffer from depression and anxiety, they need constant
reassurance that they are good enough and so it becomes that the
narcissist has now created another narcissist.
One of the worst things about these victims of a narcissist is their constant need to protect
themselves from other people, people who they think could be
narcissists. Not only have they taken on the traits of the narcissist
who abused them, but they then try to accuse everyone else of being a
narcissist and are eternally suspicious of everyone they encounter.
What can we do?
If someone says they
were in an abusive relationship and are trying to heal, we cannot
mend them by telling them how great they are, how much we respect
them, how beautiful they are, how good they are at something... No
amount of saying these things will ever get through to them. They
won't believe you and all it does is drain you.
All we can ever do is
tell someone that if they want to heal they must become self-sufficient. So long as they need other people to reassure them, they
will never heal.
As with all things, one
must look within. It is something people will do anything to avoid,
but is the only way.
“Enter by the narrow
gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to
destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is
the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are
few who find it.”
Script by Tau Tia L Douglass
