I survived a psychopath

This was a long time ago, I am now outside the country and feel I can at last post about this and I doing so in the hope that if this is happening to someone else, if you have read this, you won't be one of the ones who abandon someone.

I survived a psychopath, who isolated me and tried to kill me. I did that alone, because no one would or could help. Everyone thought he was such a great guy because he had the narcissistic superficial charm of a psychopath, and I have always been an introvert. When he tried to murder me and was taken away by the police, the police also thought he was a great guy and that it was me, the cheating slut of a girlfriend that was in the wrong, even though I had never cheated on him. My so called friends disappeared, and just left me to be murdered by that psycho, they were never my friends and if you abandon someone because they are in a violent relationship that they have no idea how to get out, then you are not a friend at all. If you don't know the signs to look for you might just think your friend no longer cares about you and so you shouldn't care about them either. If a friend says they are not allowed to call you or go out with you anymore. They are not saying that because they don't want to call you or see you anymore, it is because they are being threatened.

As much as I wanted to escape my relationship with a psychopath I couldn't, because he knew my family and where they lived and every time he knew I was upset with him, he would threaten to do something to my Mum or brother's car or property, or even them. Psychopaths also systematically groom all the people around you, turning them against you. I had no idea my ex had been talking to all my neighbours, telling them to spy on me because I can't be trusted and that I am a slut. And that he is such a good guy. Because I have always been an introvert and never really talked much to neighbours and keep myself to myself, they just believed him. Being an introvert is not a bad or evil thing, but when a psychopath finds an introvert, they are so much easier to isolate and ruin completely.

You might wonder how I ever got involved with him in the first place. Well when I first met him he also had all the superficial charm that he used on me. He made me feel so special, treated me so good and was so romantic and kind. He would write messages in lipstick on the mirror, leave me notes all round the place, make food in the shape of hearts, tell me how wonderful I am, buy me flowers. It wasn't until he knew I had fallen for him and his act, that the mask slipped and the true him came to the surface. He had already met all my family and they all thought he was such a great guy, because that is how he came across when you first met him.

When he showed his true colours he would say things like - all women are sluts - and would go on and on about the women from his past who cheated on him. I would try my best to prove to him that I am not like that and I am different, but nothing I ever did was good enough. Actually from that point on everything I ever did was wrong. I wasn't allowed to be in the bathroom alone for too long because he thought I might be secretly texting someone from there. I wasn't allowed to go for a drink after work with work friends. He had a tracking device fitted to my car. I didn't know about it at the time, but he always knew where I was. He would refuse to go to any family events or even just go to see them. He stopped me doing anything at all that didn't involve him. All the time I was trying to get things back to how they were in the beginning, I just wanted to make things wonderful again like they were at first, I didn't know at the time that that had all been an act.

After he tried to murder me it finally sunk in that the man I met and the man who was now in my life are two different people and the first one I met wasn't real. I wanted to escape the relationship and eventually did, on his terms not mine. He had used me up, there was nothing left of me at that point. I was broken and he knew it and so wanted a fresh target.

I did build myself back up, after a long time of treating myself like he did, thinking I was worthless and didn't deserve happiness. But he didn't completely ruin me and he didn't murder me, he might have done and all those so called friends would have just sat back and let it happen. We should all care about one another more and not give up on someone when we see someone trying to isolate them, as it is very dangerous for them when it happens.

I am lucky that I got out of it alive, my Mum was the only one who really knew what was going on and she didn't even know the half of it. I am lucky, every man I have ever dated has been a wonderful guy, there was only this one who was a psychopath. Often people don't know this happened to me, I don't talk about it much and it isn't like every man I have met since then I have thought would be like him. It just means I can spot them sooner and so avoid getting into something like that again.

If you care about someone, make sure they know that and that they come to you for help if they need it.

The Slipping Mask

Have you ever noticed that when you do something really good and positive, hardly anyone, if anyone at all, notices or acknowledges it? But if you do or say something that offends someone, suddenly everyone notices and you are attacked by a bunch of people who demonise you or try to make out you are a terrible person?

This is the dark side thing again. People resent people for doing good things that they themselves wish they could or would do themselves, if only they could be bothered. They love it when they notice those "good" people doing something they can pretend to be offended about, then they can rip into them.

It is the unbalanced who cannot admit to their dark side that love this type of attack. They just love to demonise others then they can feel better about the nasty ugly thoughts that go around in their heads, but would never publicly admit to. They wear a mask, pretending they are lovely people who would never ever say something like that to offend someone, while attacking the person who is their target for daring to speak their mind.

They even go so far as to say that the person who dares to speak their mind is being judgemental, as they themselves sit in judgement of the one they are attacking.

These unbalanced people are easy to spot once you know how, their mask always slips eventually.

Working For Free

A Mug - British Slang. a gullible person; dupe; fool.

I do work for free, so it is hard for me to talk about this. I write my blogs for free, make videos for free, help people on our Church course for free, take time to do graphics for all our sites for free. I do interviews for free. I do it because I don't have much of an option, we live in a world where everyone wants everything for free and our sites rely on me and others working for free, otherwise the information we provide would never be discovered, and it has been hidden (occult) for long enough already, like thousands of years. Some are kind enough to buy the things I produce, such as books and products on some of the sites, which helps, and some even make donations, which help with the overheads of running a charity.

People ask: Why isn't the Church course free. Why do I have to pay an admin fee when I join your Outer Order. Running a charity isn't free. By law you have to pay for an Accountant every year. Also there are the hosting fees for the sites, the domain name fees, the cost of supplies and postage. They all mount up and that has to be covered before we can use anything for the causes we are raising money for, like Theomerla.

I am however, maybe, a hypocrite then when I say people shouldn't have to work for free. I am volunteering my time to the Church and Order, but that doesn't mean I don't need money to pay my bills with and other living costs. Everyone needs money in this kind of system.

Unfortunately, unpaid work has become so common that people have an embedded notion that they deserve no compensation for their work. So much so, that they even give arguments as to why this system should be perpetuated.

Freud called this defence mechanism "Rationalisation", more recently a very interesting line of research in Social Psychology has named this process "System Justification Theory" and has found strong evidence about how and why it develops.

System Justification Theory (SJT) is a theory of social psychology that postulates that people are motivated, often unconsciously, to bolster, defend, and justify the status quo–-that is, the prevailing social, economic, and political systems. The term “system” is, intentionally, loosely defined to include a wide array of such arrangements and institutions from relationship dyads to family systems, to corporations and organizations, to economic systems and governments, thus the effort is to identify the general social psychological processes that play out in variety of social establishments.

System Justification Theory seeks to address, from a social psychological prospective, the ultimate question of why despite the prevalence of systems of inequality, injustice, and exploitation, resistance and collective action for change, even by those who suffer most from such systems, are relatively rare.

In my opinion the exploited don't seek change, because that would mean they would have to live with the fact that they are being a mug right now, no one wants to admit they are being a mug, apart from me, I admit it. I do too much for too little, I have self respect and know I deserve more and that is why I will say that working for free is wrong. But in true hypocritical fashion I will say that I don't think that the other people who help out in our Church and Order are being mugs, because they know I am not getting anything myself, so have nothing to give them. Bit different than when a corporation asks writers, models, photographers or designers to work for free, for a job that they say will look good in their portfolio, when they CAN afford to give them something, they just don't want to.

I have been attacked for saying people should be paid for their work, called a hypocrite because I am doing everything here for free. And as I explain above, I probably am. Hopefully in the future it won't be a problem, Theomerla is the dream, and the dream is to be self sufficient and live in a care, share and trade type system... but that is only just getting started and we have a long way to go. So I and others like me will continue to be mugs as we work towards permanent change.

Big thanks to those who are supporting our efforts and anyone who wants to give any help, in whatever way you can, please speak up, we need more mugs like us. :)

Confession Time

I make mistakes, I have and do make a lot of mistakes. I am not good at getting my point across, especially in text conversations, but also in other ways. I can sit here writing my blog and get my thoughts down pretty easily. But I never have any idea how many people will be offended by my writing, because the world is a magical place filled with people who are waiting to be offended by something.

I remember years ago a moderator on a forum decided to delete one of my posts, because someone had a go at me and they took the other person side, even though it was the other person who attacked me for no reason whatsoever, other than her being offended by something I said and taking an instant dislike to me. In private messages the moderator basically told me if I didn't like what she did I was welcome to leave, and I said I would. She was being irate and nasty, full of stress and anxiety. I told her to calm down, because stress can make you ill and can even cause cancer, it isn't worth worrying about I said. I basically didn't want her getting all worked up over something as stupid as a forum post. It wasn't until about a year later that someone who knew the woman came to me and said that I was a horrible nasty person for wishing cancer on to someone! I couldn't believe what I was hearing, talk about someone taking an innocent comment and reading something else into it. But it shouldn't have surprised me, the woman who knew her also decided that I was a bad person because of something she misinterpreted in a text message and then proceeded to spread lies and bs about me to everyone, including the cancer comment, which was twisted and used against me. Almost like the comment I made to the moderator was the proof she needed! I would go as far to say that this women was an attention seeking insecure narcissist, and couldn't wait to put me down, she had decided in her mind I had higher value than her, as she constantly tried to impress me when around, bragging and boasting about how wonderful she is. I am sure that all those who suddenly dropped me, on her say so, eventually found out the truth about her when her mask slipped and she revealed her true self.

I understand why these people try to make out I am such a bad person, it is because they hate themselves, but would never admit that, so they project this on to other people. Having work in the public eye I do put up with these types of thing on a daily basis now. The constant comments under my Youtube videos and on my pages. I know I am not alone with this, anyone who puts anything out into the public domain also puts up with this. The angry and insecure people of the world feel it is their right to go about harassing people because they hate themselves and want to project all the nasty things about themselves on to others. I get that, I really do, I know it isn't easy facing your own dark side. So I know why they do it and have learnt to not take it personally, after all, they don't even know me.

It is one thing when this happens and it is people I don't even know, but when it is someone I do know, or thought I knew and they keep projecting their sorrow, anger and frustrations on to me, being nasty and abusive and expecting me (the strong one) to put up with it, it is heart breaking. You care about someone, but you also don't want this cycle of abuse to continue. You already know they have been given the tools to look within, but instead they put you on a pedestal and look up to you, then get so upset and disappointed when you make the slightest slip or do something they feel is wrong. They are ready to put you down and try to make you suffer, because you are supposed to be the strong one, the enlightened one, the one who knows better.

Well I have never ever said I can do no wrong and I have never ever said that I should be on a pedestal, or that I am special or don't make mistakes, because I do. Sorry to disappoint you. I even have times when I feel like I can't cope and need to get away from everything and everyone. I get ill too and lonely. But one thing is for sure, if I let you into my world it means I care about you and when you hurt me like this it makes me think I was stupid for ever caring about you in the first place.

No matter how spiritually aware, or how strong and independent you think someone is, it doesn't mean that they won't be affected by your actions, and it doesn't mean they should have to put up with your bad behaviour just because you are too scared to face your daemons.

Imagine if everyone in the world learnt to know the darkness that they have within themselves and stopped projecting it on to others, and also learnt to never set high standards for others by putting them on a pedestal, when you should be doing that to yourselves. When you are great give yourself praise and when you are bad or feeling down, rather than project it on to others or take it out on others, have a word with yourself, think carefully about what is causing those emotions, you could even write a blog post about it. You have the power to heal you.

So we all make mistakes, I handle things wrong a lot of the time and can come across as insensitive, no need to sit in judgement of me or others for that, we are each responsible for that ourselves. If someone upsets you with something they say, tell them and I am sure they will try to explain that they didn't mean it the way you thought. But don't just hate them, life is too short to hate someone who probably cares a lot about you.

30 INTJ Rules

1.	Sometimes we just don't want to talk. Don't take it personally.
2.	We notice and mentally record everything, you cannot trick us into thinking we said or did something we didn't.
3.	Yes our favourite clothes are all the same, they fit correctly, are comfortable and practical.
4.	You acting helpless is not cute.
5.	Get to the point and quickly.
6.	Don't talk to us while we're doing something. We will either ignore you, because we don't hear you, or we'll mess up what we're doing because you've distracted us. Exception to Rule 6. Interrupt us if something is on fire.
7.	We won't get dressed up to impress anyone, if we get dressed up it is because we want to.
8.	We need time alone.
9.	We need to vegetate, alone.
10.	We will always give you an honest answer, you have been warned.
11.	If you ask a question you don't really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn't want to hear.
12.	Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
13.	No, we don't know what day it is. We never will.
14.	When it is your birthday tell us, we won't remember unless you do.
15.	Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
16.	Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. But do ask for help solving it or we will think you are just telling us as part of your irritating small talk and will blank out what you are saying.
17.	Don't talk during a film unless you want us to secretly plot your demise.
18.	Don't sit anywhere near us when you are slurping on a drink or eating food noisily.
19.	Never ever talk with your mouth full in front of us!
20.	If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong.
21.	If we ask what's wrong and you start to complain about all your ailments that we can do nothing about, we will make a mental note to never ask you again.
22.	When we say don't bother us in a morning before our first cup of tea or coffee, we mean it! Don't act all surprised when we bite your head off for failing to comply with this rule.
23.	Do not tell us what we are thinking, we know what we are thinking and it is nothing at all to do with anything you could imagine.
24.	Never make a decision for us, it will be the wrong one.
25.	When you dramatise something to make it sound worse or better than it was, we know you are doing it, stop it!
26.	Rather than repeatedly talk to you like a child, we will often just stay silent and let you make mistakes that you can learn from.
27.	We would rather only have one very good friend than a 100 acquaintances.
28.	Sometimes we think we are crazy for seeing things so differently to everyone else, but we soon realise it is everyone else, not us.
29.	Our sarcastic humour is not meant to hurt your feelings, we just don't know how to make you realise how daft you are being without trying to make a joke out of it.
30.	We hate rules, but expect you to follow ours if you want to be around us.

Most of you won't even admit you read this

We live in a world where people are so lonely, unhappy, insecure, and afraid that they delude themselves into believing in imaginary gods, phony prophets, narcissistic gurus, and even politicians. All the while you are supporting these "masters" you are a slave.

All too often people will insist on looking for heaven, nirvana, Shangri-la, or utopia through other people and outside themselves. The imaginary gods promise that you will find heaven once you die, the phony prophets and gurus teach you to look up to them for the answers. The politicians promise you a heaven on earth if you just give them a vote.

I talk about it often - looking inside - but it seems so hard for so many of you to do that, you will do anything to avoid it. You will look to all religions, all gurus, all politicians, like a desperate little child who needs to be guided by others, because it is just too scary to look within. Even though you have been told and already know that heaven is within. You still would rather sit listening to someone else telling you how to do things than look within.

Doing The Great Work, which involves looking within, isn't easy. The path is treacherous and you have to admit to your own dark side, something that so many are unwilling to ever admit to and I don't even mean to others, I mean to yourself.

So rather than doing it you will pretend to be a good person, a wonderful spiritual person who looks down on others who don't act how you think a spiritual good person should act. You will sign all your messages - love & light because you like to pretend that is what you are full of, that the sun shines out your arse, and that you are wonderful and so much more spiritual than other people. You will look to old eastern religions for inspiration, so many gurus in those religions, like Hinduism and Buddhism and you will think that just because you have a Buddha in your house and you became a vegan, you are instantly a lovely spiritual person full of love and light. You will even keep saying namaste because you think saying it will make you appear like a good spiritual person.

You will say hateful nasty things to others who aren't also pretending to be the fake image you are trying to portray about yourself, but you won't think you are being hateful and hurting others, because you will be too busy thinking that you are full of love and light, and know better than them... Oh look they swear, they eat meat, they don't say love & light or namaste, they don't believe in the religion, guru or politician who is my master.. they must be a bad person!

I can see through you, I know you are scared and insecure, I know you realise you are lying to yourself and everyone else. That fear will never ever go away until you stop projecting your dark side onto others and claim it yourself.

You can insult me and others all you want, and you can blame me and others all you want, but it won't ever help you heal. You cannot heal by projecting your dark side onto others. You cannot heal by ignoring the facts when they are presented to you.

The further you run away from the problem, the harder it is to solve it and until you solve it, you cannot solve you - you cannot come to Know Thyself.

What dreams may come....

Life isn't very easy is it? When you feel like an outsider looking in, when you always felt so different to everyone else, when no one ever seems to get you?

Luckily for most of you reading this now you are getting the answers you have always wanted. You have started to find others like you, thanks to those who have been working hard to call you back to your own Kin. Your Kin might be far away and it is only the internet that finally brought you back to them. Suddenly your small world, trapped in isolation becomes bigger and possibilities start to blossom in your mind.

What if we don't have to live like this? Imagine a world where you no longer had to follow the latest fashions in a media hell that tells you what you should look like and how to dress. Imagine a world where people weren't selfish, shallow and self-centred? Can you? You probably can because deep within your genetic memories you remember a place like that. A place where everyone pulled together to help each other, a place where money didn't exist, just barter, care and share systems. You probably have a deep longing to live like that again, living in harmony with nature, living from the land and doing away with mass produced factory foods and toxic pesticides. A place where we can run free in the fields and forest and feel at one with our beautiful planet, that all too often these days in modern society we are disconnected from and feel like aliens in a strange land.

We can recreate our dream, and in fact as you read this the process is already starting... Some of us who are tired of the life in the modern world, in the materialistic dog eat dog societies, have got together and decided to realise the dream of living in harmony with nature.

We have purchased a farm in rural Sweden, a place that is tranquil and away from the hustle and bustle of city life, with a great climate and many opportunities for turning it into an eco village that is sustainable and off-grid. The whole process has to start somewhere and someone had to start it, and that bit, the hardest bit is now done. But to realise the full dream, to be totally off-grid and self sufficient, the village will need more Kin to come forward and help it all come into vivid, bright and colourful reality.

Having bought the 16 acre farm our funds are now completely depleted and there is so much more to do to it get up and running.

1, We need people who want come to live and work there.

2, We need people to volunteer to come and work there to help get it all set up.

3, We need people to invest.

With your help this dream can become a reality, even if you don't want to live there full time, just knowing there is somewhere in the world you can escape to is immensely appealing. In the future more land can be bought and in different areas and countries, spreading the dream and making it a reality to even more of our Kin.

Are you willing to be one of those who dared to make dreams come true, or will you simply read this, and then go back to the sad greyness of your current reality?

Dare you make dreams become reality?

Please visit the Theomerla site now and decide whether you want to become a friend of Theomerla, a shareholding member, a volunteer or simply make a donation. You may even want to consider becoming a full time resident. http://theomerla.org/